back to reality

It's true. I am back in Knoxville, TN. As soon as I got home from Kentucky I began packing my bags and left for Florida on Father's Day. I went as a "get-a-way". It was nice. For the most party I just sat on the beach. I got back last night and immediately had to start getting ready for a friend of mine's b-day festivities and then had to work @ 8 am this morning. So, I've been on the go since right before my dad passed away and am really just now getting back into a routine.

I can't stop thinking about my dad, today. His cell phone was turned off on Wednesday and before that I kept calling it just to hear his voice. :( I have a voicemail on my cell phone of him wishing me a happy birthday and I have saved it over and over. I still can't believe he is gone.

I've had to deal w/ alot of emotions and situations throughout all of this. For example, my brother and I were suppose to be going to Kentucky on the 7th to spread his ashes. But his wife has made other arrangements for them to be spread this thursday and I had to argue w/ her on trying to wait or at least have the funeral home place some of the ashes in another urn for my brother and I. It may sound weird, but I need that closure. I still can't believe he's gone and I had to go through all that crap so fast and before I knew it, his funeral was over. :(

I've never had to deal w/ such a close death. I mean, my grandparents have died, but my dad? Who is suppose to walk me down the aisle, who's gonna make sure the guy i find is good enough, who's going to be there when i just want my dad?

daddy

i still don't know what to do w/ myself. i miss my dad so much. I just want him to come back. I didn't get to say goodbye. I want to hear his corky way of saying hello which usually is a, "WAZUUUUUP".

He was too young to die and I'm far too young to lose a parent. I'm so angry right now.

Lord, give me your peace.

my dad got put back on the feeding tube today. They are now thinking that he could be experiencing a "thyroid storm". It's a very serious illness and I am hoping that he's fighting it off and will get better.

I am going to Louisville w/ my mom on Monday. She has business there so i'm tagging along. I plan on escaping away to go visit my dad. how sad is it that I have to hide it from her :( But, you gotta do what you gotta do. So yeah. I work all weekend and then am off for three days and then work the remainder of next weekend.

I am currently looking for a job. I have been scoping out some possibilities here in Knoxville, Louisville, and Fredericksburg :) We shall see where the road takes me. I still want to move to Atlanta, but maybe it's just not time for that yet.

My dad is back in the hospital. He had been transfered to rehab to help build his strength back up and they were still treating the infection but he got a fever and the infection began to flare up so he's back @ Norton's. I'm really worried about him. I've found some more things out and I'm just plain scared.

I have alot on my mind. Ready to move away from Knoxville, ready to start my life again, worry about my dad, etc. . . There's just so much and I am having a hard time finding a balance w/ it all.

What are your thoughts?

i need prayer.

back from Louisville.

i'm worn out. i am back from my short louisville trip. I was able to visit w/ my dad. He is doing much better. He was actually transferred to a rehab center on thursday night. he will probably be there for a while because he became so weak being in ICU for two weeks. He's still got a long road ahead of him. He'll be @ the rehab center until he gains his strength. then, once released from there, it will be @ least 3 weeks until they can schedule his back surgery. After his back surgery, we will see how he does with the pain pills. If my dad gets caught back into his addictive cycle with the pills, I'm going to urge him into a drug rehab.

My dad stopped smoking and stopped taking the pain pills but then managed to overdose on tylenol. (as you know, that is how sarah hill from TM died) which is what originally put him in the hospital this time. There was a point where the doctors didn't think he was going to make it. I talked with his nurses and a couple of his doctors and they kept telling me that he was lucky to be alive. Granted, the tylenol is what put him in there but they did decide that he had to have been bit by something (tick/spider) and that's what caused all the infection in his body.

So, with all that said, I'm just going to stay positive and encourage him daily. I love him alot and he needs to be reminded from time to time i'm sure.

While there I was able to see christina davidson (chrissy walker) a couple times. i love her and am so blessed by her friendship. She's actually going to be driving through knoxville in a couple weeks so we'll see each other again.

I am suppose to go to Nashville today to visit a friend of mine from PANAMA CITY BEACH who is in N-ville for a family reunion but i'm so exhausted from the recent travels and last night i was the designated driver for some friends and didn't get home till close to 3 am (sheesh)!

but, either way, it's a beautiful day so i'll either enjoy the weather with a drive to nashville or i'll go to the smokie's baseball game tonight w/ my mom and roger.

11:32 p.m.

it's quite late and i have had two cups of coffee! ZING! haha. i am packing a little weekend bag for the next two days. I leave in the morning to see my dad. I was told today that he's doing much better. I'm excited to see him. I am also having dinner with the beautiful Christina Davidson (better known as Chrissy Walker). I'm excited to see her!

So, I should get off here and get to packing. follow me on twitter, i'll keep updating.

xoxo

jessica

it's 3:22 a.m.

yes, it's almost 3:30 in the morning on june 1st and i am still awake. I actually worked until 2:30 tonight/this a.m. I'm about to head to bed. just thought i'd do a little "typing". tomorrow i am hitting the gym in the morning then I have work tomorrow afternoon.

leaving for louisville on tuesday early morning. i'll be staying @ a hotel in louisville instead of staying @ my dad's place in Bedford Kentucky (which is about an hour north of louisville) because it's much closer to the hospital he is in.

alright. getting super sleepy. goodnight to all!