Hello July 10th 2009. I just got home from the doctor. I had a chest x-ray yesterday and an appt. w/ my oncologist today. x-ray was normal, blood work is normal and my next appointment is in October. I'm hoping to be able to get a PET CT in October as well. Hopefully I won't have to fight the insurance company on that.

So, my oncologist is moving :( I'm quite sad. My first oncologist moved to North Carolina to be closer to family and this oncologist is moving to be close to family, but he also hates it here (who can blame him). So, he's going to be working in Phoenix, ARIZONA. I'm excited for him. He was talking to me today about how life is too short to be somewhere you don't like or do something you don't enjoy doing. It's so true. I need to get out of Knoxville. I don't enjoy my life here. I mean, I do love having my mom. But now that my dad is gone, the idea of trying to be in this area just seems pointless. I need to find out what i want to do career-wise and figure out where i want to move.

Lord, give me some direction. please open some doors for me. speak through someone to me!

Happy Birthday!

On this day, 59 years ago, Charles Gilbert Fields was born. Yes, my dad's middle name was GILBERT. Unfortunately, my dad is not celebrating his 59th birthday here with us. I miss my dad alot but know he is in heaven and having the time of his life. The transition since my dad passed away has been a rough one. He passed away on the 15th, his funeral was on the 17th, then we had Father's day, then most of his ashes were spread by his wife on July 2nd and today is his birthday! Blah.

On a different note, I did have a good 4th of July. That morning, I went to the gym and then got a drink from starbucks. I went to a cook-out w/ some friends for a couple hours, then back home to enjoy another coffee drink and chill w/ the family till our night time cook-out. After that I watched the family set off fireworks until i left to meet up w/ Jason. Our plans of going dancing were crushed by instead, we had a blast playing scrabble and eating cereal @ the cereal bar. YUM.

Friday night I went to the Smokies Baseball game and we WON. Following the game was a beautiful fireworks show. Alright. All the festivities have worn me out. Going to take a nap.

Thinking of you, dad!

back to reality

It's true. I am back in Knoxville, TN. As soon as I got home from Kentucky I began packing my bags and left for Florida on Father's Day. I went as a "get-a-way". It was nice. For the most party I just sat on the beach. I got back last night and immediately had to start getting ready for a friend of mine's b-day festivities and then had to work @ 8 am this morning. So, I've been on the go since right before my dad passed away and am really just now getting back into a routine.

I can't stop thinking about my dad, today. His cell phone was turned off on Wednesday and before that I kept calling it just to hear his voice. :( I have a voicemail on my cell phone of him wishing me a happy birthday and I have saved it over and over. I still can't believe he is gone.

I've had to deal w/ alot of emotions and situations throughout all of this. For example, my brother and I were suppose to be going to Kentucky on the 7th to spread his ashes. But his wife has made other arrangements for them to be spread this thursday and I had to argue w/ her on trying to wait or at least have the funeral home place some of the ashes in another urn for my brother and I. It may sound weird, but I need that closure. I still can't believe he's gone and I had to go through all that crap so fast and before I knew it, his funeral was over. :(

I've never had to deal w/ such a close death. I mean, my grandparents have died, but my dad? Who is suppose to walk me down the aisle, who's gonna make sure the guy i find is good enough, who's going to be there when i just want my dad?

daddy

i still don't know what to do w/ myself. i miss my dad so much. I just want him to come back. I didn't get to say goodbye. I want to hear his corky way of saying hello which usually is a, "WAZUUUUUP".

He was too young to die and I'm far too young to lose a parent. I'm so angry right now.

Lord, give me your peace.

my dad got put back on the feeding tube today. They are now thinking that he could be experiencing a "thyroid storm". It's a very serious illness and I am hoping that he's fighting it off and will get better.

I am going to Louisville w/ my mom on Monday. She has business there so i'm tagging along. I plan on escaping away to go visit my dad. how sad is it that I have to hide it from her :( But, you gotta do what you gotta do. So yeah. I work all weekend and then am off for three days and then work the remainder of next weekend.

I am currently looking for a job. I have been scoping out some possibilities here in Knoxville, Louisville, and Fredericksburg :) We shall see where the road takes me. I still want to move to Atlanta, but maybe it's just not time for that yet.

My dad is back in the hospital. He had been transfered to rehab to help build his strength back up and they were still treating the infection but he got a fever and the infection began to flare up so he's back @ Norton's. I'm really worried about him. I've found some more things out and I'm just plain scared.

I have alot on my mind. Ready to move away from Knoxville, ready to start my life again, worry about my dad, etc. . . There's just so much and I am having a hard time finding a balance w/ it all.

What are your thoughts?

i need prayer.